anticipating difficult emotions

After experiencing a number of cumulative health concerns I decided to see my headteacher – on my doctors’ advice – to reduce my hours. I know that sitting in her office will induce a shift in my autonomic state. I will experience hotness in the body; perhaps a dryness in the mouth which will then impair my ability to articulate what I really want to say. I feel the heaviness of my body as I sit there. This is then accompanied by images of Year 11 students (for some reason two particular students are presented in my mind’s eye) who I will no longer be able to teach if I reduce my hours. This heaviness manifests itself in the jaw – it has the quality and weight of a yawning sensation that serves as a kind of prelude to a hot, stinging sensation of tears. The tears arise ever so briefly. I don’t know where this emotion has come from, but I accept it; I just let the tears be there: my own beaded bubbles winking at the brim. My body then relaxes – seemingly melts – into this sensation of sharp hotness. Then I notice a flutter of muscle movement in the jaw. Then heat and prickliness fade. No more than momentary, but a real healing submission to an energy wave.

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