little girl lost

Oct 1, 2019

Amy says, ‘Sir, I don’t think I’m going to pass.’ 

I notice anxiety in her posture and her eyes. 

Seems like she’s the little girl lost.

I’m reminded of Oliver Sacks' words: “People will make a life on their own terms, whether they are deaf or colorblind or autistic or whatever. And their world will be just as rich and interesting and full as our world.” 

I tune into this, like a mantra: Amy, your world is just as rich and interesting and full as our world. 

But does Amy know this? And can I help her to know, beyond simple platitudes? 

I start by embracing a sense of not knowing. A sense of beginning again. 

Beginning again is a safe, curious place from which to start. 

The American spiritual teacher, Jack Kornfield, calls it the ‘middle way’; or “complete non-referential ease.” 

Yes, I'll try some of that.

Meanwhile, back in the present moment, Amy and I have a question to consider:

How is Lady Macbeth presented in this scene and the play as a whole? 

I check in with her. 

"How are you getting on?" 

Amy says those words all too familiar to a teacher: "I don’t know what to write next". 

 She elaborates: "I mean, I know what I want to say, but I don’t know how to write it. I can’t put it into words." 

What am I going to do? Shall I say: 

"Let’s go through the keywords on the board." 

"Let's think about your thesis statement."

"Let's consider Shakespeare’s intention."

"Let's pick out three quotes relevant to the themes you know "

I could do. However, reiteration of performance criteria is not going to help Amy in this moment. If anything, it's going to make her more uncertain. 

Amy needs a different set of criteria. 

Amy needs safety.

I need it too. I feel Amy's stuckness. I feel it as a heaviness in my head, a dullness in my chest. A sluggishness. It's hard to articulate. And trying to do so will wither my will. And the last thing a teacher needs is a withered will.

Mindfulness is guiding me in this moment. It's gently whispering to gently be with bodily sensations as they arise. 

 You know what? I'm lucky. Amy’s class is small. They’re a gentle, polite bunch of kids. The challenge is their – sometimes painful – reticence. I’ll ask a question and there will be this chasm – these tectonic plates of silence. It’s a different kind of challenge. The sound of silence. It can bring on lassitude, heaviness in the shoulders, weight to the eyelids. 

But it's also an opportunity for co-regulation. And co-regulation means bottom-up awareness. This means starting with the foundations of learning. The foundations of learning are the same as the foundations of a house. Would you build a house by putting in the windows first? The thought is laughable. But that's what we do in the education system - at least in the system I know. We put in the windows. We prioritise the view of outcomes. We forget what it means to be a processing, feeling, experiencing human. Timetabling, content, even the building I am working in with its bright lights, hard desks and chairs, seem to be countered against the biological imperative known as co-regulation. 

"Amy, how about you and I adjust our posture? Like this." 

I turn my chair so she can get a sidelong view of my sitting posture. Uprightness at the spine, shoulders dropping back, chin and crown of head level with the floor and ceiling. Tummy tucked in (hopefully). 

Amy looks perplexed.

I ask, Why don’t you take a sip of water? Hey, let’s both take a sip of water, because, you know what? I’m feeling sluggish.The air is heavy in here." 

"OK", Amy says, the wisp of a smile showing.

I continue: When I get stuck is I  just say: OK, I’m stuck. It’s OK to be stuck. It’s pretty normal. Then I check in with how my body feels. I ask: where is it I’m feeling this stuckness? I’m kind of curious about that. How about you, Amy? I mean, are you stuck too?

In my head, she says. The side of my head. 

She points to her right temple.

It’s pretty good that you can feel that.

What do you mean? Why’s it pretty good?

Well, it’s sort of making you aware that stuck-ness is not just a thinking thing. It’s happening in your body, and if you send this message to your body then your body might be able to help you get unstuck. 

I’m not sure what you mean, Sir.

To be honest, I’m not sure about what I’m saying too. I find this mindfulness thing hard to articulate. 

But here goes: 

OK, well, I’m going to start by sitting upright because that’s immediately saying “bring it on” to my stuckness, it stimulates a change in attitude. I’m feeling a bit more assertive. It's giving me more confidence in the body, regardless of what the mental challenge is. Then I’m going to take this biggish in-breath. Try it. It’s like a big, cooling, in-breath. Like the sip of water you just had, I suppose. It’s refreshing me. Then I’m going to feel a really long, soothing out-breath. I just want to clear my lungs of air. Clear my head. Now I’m going to count the in-breath up to the number five: so, one-two-three-four-five. Then hold it comfortably for a couple of seconds. Then with the longer outbreath I’ll count to seven: one-two-three-four-five-six-seven. Hold it comfortably again for a couple of seconds, then feel the inbreath again up to five. Shall we try that?

We spend about 30 seconds doing this, perhaps longer.

You see, I do this when I’m feeling a difficult emotion, stress, or a challenge because I find my energy starts to sap when I feel that way. Then I start to feel anxious, sometimes nervous…sometimes I just want to give up. Stop. I get frozen in the stuckness. Do you ever feel that?

Yes.

Then my mind starts telling me stories. It says: you’re no good at this. You never have been any good at this. And you think about the last piece of work you got stuck on because all you can remember is the last time you got stuck doing this. Then you say to yourself, "It’s me. I’m no good. I always feel like this when I have to do this type of question." Then you start to get angry, frustrated, sad. Sometimes tearful. Then you think "I be I'm the only person who ever feels like this. And you look round the room and it always seems like everyone can do the work. They look so confident. Then you feel alone. 

Somebody once said: there’s more right with you than wrong with you. Always. There’s always more right than wrong. That means there must always be more right with a situation than wrong with it. So that’s a good place to start. So perhaps just breathe in and out in this way and just say to yourself: there’s more right with this than wrong, and you’ll find that the quiet mind will allow ideas in. So let’s have some quiet time, just breathing this way.

And that's what we do. We have about 2 minutes of quiet time.

Then I say:

You told me earlier in the lesson Lady Macbeth is like Macbeth. You said her tragedy comes from her excessive ambition. Did you say that?

Yes.

But now she feels guilty. And that guilt will lead to her suicide, right?

Yes

There’s so much that’s right with that; with you knowing that. So just take a moment to sit comfortably and breathe with that. 

So what is Shakespeare’s intention here?

He wants to show us Lady Macbeth’s suicide

Is that what we see?

Yes.

Are you sure? I mean, where does it say in this extract that Lady Macbeth kills herself?

It doesn’t.

So what made you say that Shakespeare wants to show Lady Macbeth’s suicide?

Well, she kills herself later. That’s what I wanted to say.

So why does she kill herself later?

Because she feels guilty?

Why does she feel guilty?

Because she got Macbeth to kill Duncan. Because she’s got excessive ambition.

Why has she got excessive ambition? 

Because of the witches.

Well, why didn’t she just ignore the witches? I mean, the witches are wrong aren’t they? I mean, the witches are morally wrong.

Yes, but she is already possessed by the witches. The letter she got from Macbeth. It made her possessed.

So that’s another scene from the play. That’s another scene you could connect with this one. So give me some of the keywords from the board to connect with what we’ve just talked about. What do you feel comfortable with? What do you feel safe about knowing? Just take a few moments to think about that. Perhaps just breathe slowly again. Because it seems to me that there’s more that you do know than you think you don’t know. There’s more right here than wrong. OK, so what are some of the keywords we want to work on?

Excessive ambition. Guilt. Possessed.

Any more?

Yes, supernatural. Great Chain of Being.

OK, that’s interesting. What else could you work on to get unstuck?

Stagecraft.

Yes. What about that?

Well, the audience can see her as guilty.

Really. How can they see her as guilty?

Well, it says: “will all the perfumes of Arabia not sweeten this little hand".

So how does that show she feels guilty?

She wants to cover things up.

And that shows guilt?

Yes.

But how does it show guilt?

I don’t know.

So you’re stuck.

Yep.

Interesting. 

I’m feeling a bit stuck too. So let’s just check in with the posture and breathing again. Take an inbreath and a slightly longer out-breath.

What's my intention here? To create safety. Can I do this with the tone of my voice? Its modulation? 

I’m aware of being tired now; of this questioning. It’s taking its autonomic toll.

I noticed that you zoomed in on the perfume as an image?

Well, before she says ‘perfumes’ she says the smell of blood.

Oh. OK. Well, what makes you say that?

Well, the blood is what Macbeth had on his hands after he killed Duncan. Macbeth felt guilty about that but Lady Macbeth told him to wash his hands.

What did she think washing his hands would do?

Make him feel less guilty, perhaps?

Why would washing your hands make you feel less guilty?

I don’t know.

OK. Let’s have a moment here.

Now it’s me who’s having the moment. I’m not sure if Amy is following but I do feel some synchronisation. It’s not intentional. It’s just arisen. And I need a moment for myself.

OK. Why would Lady Macbeth feel that washing your hands could make you feel less guilty?

Perhaps because she’s the fourth witch.

Really, how is she the fourth witch?

Amy smiles. Well…when she gets the letter…she becomes a witch because she says ‘unsex me here’ and fill me with cruelty'.

So has that got something to do with the guilt?

Yes, because witches don’t feel guilt.

So what you’re saying is that in the scene after Macbeth is feeling guilt after killing Duncan she doesn’t because she’s a witch?

Yes.

So why does she feel guilt now? Why does she feel that perfumes will not sweeten her hands?

Because she’s changed because Macbeth has taken over and he doesn’t care anymore even after he sees Banquo’s ghost, he’s not bothered and that shocks her. So perhaps now she can feel her own guilt now that she doesn’t have to make Macbeth feel guilty.

Here's my reflection upon this teaching episode. This integration of the inner and outer curriculum:

Is this integrating co-regulation into pedagogy? Maybe. Amy is starting to give more extended responses because of this co-regulation where the teacher shares vulnerability with the student: it consists of neural exercise, modulation of voice, prosody, facial expression, gestures that are brought into the interaction: all mutual, synchronous, and reciprocal interactions between teacher and student. This awareness frames a new identity because the teacher knows the value of the frame as a part of the identity of being a teacher. It’s part of who we are together as co-learners. Student and teacher. It’s a shared autonomic state. It recognises the integration of teaching self-regulation as an experience that comes out of co-regulation. Both student and teacher learn together because the teacher acknowledges their own struggle with self-regulation. But see how long it has taken. See how much patience it requires. See how much dedication and commitment it requires – and not just to Amy, but to myself too. It’s compassion fostered through self-compassion.

Will measurable criteria culture recognise this? Will it make the necessary adaptations for the health, growth and restoration of Amy and myself? Of student and teacher? If so the results might be immeasurable.

What co-regulation fosters is this sense that it's okay for both teacher and student to feel lost as they help each other to be found.

Stephen W. Porges, The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe (Norton, 2017),15,19,23,24. Deb Dana: The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. (Norton, 2018), pg. 4